Today we’re announcing a huge milestone in our lives: we’re adopting a child from China! We’re so so so excited for this new chapter in our lives. This process has already been about a year in the making and is a big step for us as a family.
We’re well into the process now - but likely have awhile to go. So we’ve been learning a little Mandarin, and about Chinese holidays and customs. We’re also learning how to cook some staple Chinese dishes in the interim so that we can keep our child’s culture alive in our home!
We thought we’d share a little about how our adoption has progressed and why we chose this path today to help catch folks up on where we’re at.
How International Adoption Works (in a Nutshell)
First, it’s important to say that every adoption, every child, and every agency is different. But here’s the basics of our experience with our agencies so far, in the present moment and in our state - New York. If you’re interested in adoption I highly recommend doing research on your state’s process, laws, and available agencies (and their processes) before committing to anything as things can and will change over time.
- First, the adoptive parents research and choose an agency (or an adoption team) - There are many wonderful adoption agencies out there! Adam and I attended in-person meet-ups, online webinars, read many, many articles from adoptees and adoptive parents and finally took a few phone interviews before choosing our agency, Holt International.
I believe it is possible to adopt outside of an agency but we chose an agency because of its structure and well-documented reviews and policies that ensured they had ethical practices. This honestly took us the longest - probably about 8 months. It’s important to note too that without an agency, we would’ve had to piece together a lot of help from an adoption consultant, adoption lawyer and related professionals to help us navigate the process. - Adoptive parents choose the country they would like to adopt from - Any country that has an international adoption program likely also has a set of basic requirements adoptive parents must meet. These rules are typically set by the country which you are adopting from - so China, not the agency, set the minimum requirements for adoption in our case. You can take a peek at the current China requirements here: https://www.holtinternational.org/adoption/criteria.php.
Some agencies that handle international adoption only handle certain countries, so it was important for us to find a reputable agency in the country we were looking for.
When choosing where in the world you’d like to adopt from, you should review any requirements first to gut check that it’s possible and then make an informed decision based on your lives. A big factor in our adoption was also our support system and the diversity in our surrounding area - we’d ask ourselves: Would this child be comfortable here? In our neighborhood? Would they see anyone like them amongst our friends? - You apply to the agency (and at some agencies - you specify where you want to adopt from up front) and are, hopefully, accepted. You may need to complete some basic paperwork establishing your agreement with the agency or the fee structure, for example. At this point, you also start to give the agency a picture of the kind of children you’re interested in adopting (boy vs girl, relative age, any special needs, etc).
- You begin the home study and do SO. MUCH. PAPERWORK - In our case we needed to do our home study with a separate agency licensed for the state of New York (Holt does not have an office here). That required an extra application and intro paperwork, then we got a big list of papers needed for the adoption.
The home study is also one of the phases people know best (probably because there was an entire Friends episode that featured a home study) because a social worker visits your home and interviews you and your partner together and separately. This phase varies a lot by agency, state, and even social worker - but the goal is to get to know you better, make sure both prospective parents are roughly on the same page and are serious about having a child, and to ensure that you realistically can fit a child into your life. - Your home study is approved and you start/finish your dossier - Your Dossier is another bundle of paperwork that goes to (in our case) China for approval and helps both the agency and the folks in China to find a child that’s the best fit for you. Our agency gave us a dossier list to work on while we were collecting paperwork for our home study and it’s made life MUCH easier to work on both at the same time.
- You are matched with a child! Now - we haven’t reached this phase yet so I’ll stick to what I know and update this later. Basically, your agency will work with the country you’re adopting from to find a child that falls within your comfort zone. When they find a child they think is a fit, the agency contacts you and asks if you’d like to know more. You (the adoptive parents) can review all of the information they have on the child, have it reviewed by a doctor if you’d like (in our case we found a doctor with China adoption experience) and if it’s a fit - you say yes and are matched! The agency works with you to let China know that you intend to adopt the child and, hopefully, your intent is promptly recognized and accepted.
Now, this is awkward, but you can also say no at this point. It is a little painful to think about but it does happen. Throughout the full adoption process you are encouraged to be as realistic and thoughtful as possible in your choices. Everyone’s goal is for these children to have a happy, stable, home and changing your mind after the fact is painful for all. - More paperwork and travel plans - Once your match is firmly in place you complete your citizenship paperwork (Holt does everything in advance so that the moment you touch down in the US after leaving China your child is a US citizen), any remaining paperwork needed for the match or agency, and get to make travel plans!!
- Go To China!!!! The day we all dream of. Holt coordinates things so that you travel to China with a group of adoptive parents so that you have a built in support system of folks going through the same thing (this was actually a huge reason we chose them). They have a local team in China who helps you through the process, explains Chinese paperwork, and provides real-time support for you throughout your trip. And most importantly, you meet and take home your child.
Where are you in the process?
Our home study has just been approved, and we’re in the process of finishing our Dossier. Once it is sent to China, we’ll be able to be matched with a child. So we don’t know who our daughter will be just yet but we’re pretty excited that we’re close to finding out!
Why China? Why Holt?
We chose China after researching the requirements and expectations of about 5 countries, and comparing them to domestic adoption. China provided us with the best chance at a young adoption and was the most structured and streamlined program at our agency from the looks of it.
Veronica: I think we chose Holt because they seem to care deeply about everyone involved in the adoption process. They build strong communities of adoptive families through summer camps, Facebook groups, and in-person meet-ups. They also have a sponsor-a-child program that helps at-risk families avoid having to put their children up for adoption. Which may sound strange but, I appreciate that kids living their best life is the focus whether they’re up for adoption or not. That’s how it should be, you know?
Adam: Overall, we got a great sense of the Holt program and felt it was reputable, reliable and welcoming. Adoption can feel very daunting at first and all the professionals you surround yourself with are part of your team. We wanted to make sure our team was not only really strong and knowledgeable, but also felt like people we could work with. Holt provided a great fit in that sense.
Why not Domestic Adoption?
Veronica: We actually looked at this first! And after much research, time, and collective soul searching we felt it just wasn’t for us. New York’s adoption rules are more restrictive and challenging than many other states (I’m sure they are that way for a good reason) which made it really hard to find an agency that would work with us. There’s also a sort of “marketing” aspect to domestic adoption here that made me personally a little uncomfortable and could have extended our wait exponentially if we didn’t do it. That doesn’t mean it’s not a great option and that it won’t be in the mix again some day! It just wasn’t a good fit for us right at this point in our lives.
Adam: We spent a lot of time talking about domestic adoption. There are two sides to it: first is the restrictive nature of NYS adoptions (just as one example, a birth mother has 30 days after the adoption takes place to decide she wants her child back. We are fully in support of upholding the rights of birth mothers, but also knew that thirty days would be too much to bear for us). The other side is that typically you are matched with the birth mother 2-3 months before birth, so you bring home a newborn. That was a big pull for us initially, but ultimately we felt that, even though an international adoption means a slightly older child, the benefits were worthwhile.
How old will your child be? What do you know about them?
We’re adopting a little girl between the ages of 0-3 years. We know she’ll likely have some sort of special need (this is quite common in international adoptions) and have outlined what we’re comfortable with for our agency.
Realistically our child will be at least 9 months old. When a child is put up for adoption in China it is frequently the case that an ad is run for ~6 months to ensure that no one is looking for them (this helps prevent human trafficking and makes sure that if a child was simply lost they find their way home) and it can take 2-3 months to coordinate/set-up all of our travel.
How long does it take?
This varies a lot depending on what kind of special needs you’re open to. But Holt last estimated the match process at about 12 to 18 months, and we’re about 5 months into the process.
Why is it so complicated? These children just need good parents right?
We feel you. The adoption process isn’t perfect by any means (arguably in a perfect world a child would never need to be put up for adoption) - but it’s evolved the way it has for a reason. Much of the work/paper work is done to better understand the parents, to gut check that they aren’t acting on a whim or for the wrong reasons, and to prepare prospective parents for the care of a child who’s experienced the trauma of being put up for adoption. Do we wish it were faster and hyper-efficient? Yes, but honestly, there are children in need of a stable, loving home on the other end so we get it. 9 out of 10 prospective parents may be awesome, epic, parents but avoiding 1 bad home is worth all the screening.
We still live in a world with human trafficking, domestic violence, and some serious discrimination/prejudice. I sincerely hope no one in these camps is looking to adopt but odds are that at least a few are and may be for the wrong reasons. So even though we’re sure we’d be great parents and it’s painful to wait through all of this - we can’t really blame the system for being careful.
Is it expensive?
Yes - there’s really no sugar-coating this one. An adoption (domestic or international) is expensive. Again, in an ideal world it would be effortless and inexpensive for a good parent to adopt a child in need. But we’re sadly not in that world yet. I will say, Holt has been great about giving us a breakdown of where our money goes and when seen in pieces like that, it makes a lot of sense. Travel was included in our estimate (and was a very sizable chunk of it) as well as some fees the US gov’t charges for citizenship/document processing. They also went out of their way to tell us about grants that we could apply for if needed.
As a sidebar: We were surprised to find out that the basic cost estimates for a domestic adoption and an international adoption were almost exactly the same.
What will her name be?
We have an idea but haven’t settled on anything yet since we haven’t “met” her yet and if feels weird to name her before knowing her. In the meantime we mostly call her “kiddo!” We do know we plan to give her an American name and a Chinese name so that she can have a tangible connection to her birth culture and can feel comfortable using it later if she’d like to.
How did your husband feel about adoption?
Veronica: This question or some variation of it actually gets asked of me specifically a lot. Adam and I talked a lot about adoption and where we were each and it was very important to me that we both felt comfortable and excited about our path.
Adam: I’m very excited about it! Which I guess is obvious or we wouldn’t be doing it. Veronica was very upfront with me early on in our relationship. She knew she wanted to adopt and so I was aware before we even started talking about marriage that this was the path she was on. It definitely took some emotional work on my part. There is a biological imperative, and I think in our society men especially have this idea that they are passing something important on in having their own children. Counteracting that biological pull took work. But it’s also been really valuable for me. I came to realize that while adoption and natural birth are different, one isn’t better than the other. And, I feel that this path is both unexpected and full of surprises, which I’m looking forward to. It’s provided a strong and important moment of growth, allows us to bring a child into our family who needs love and also will bring us so much joy.
And about the adoption process as a whole, I have tremendous respect for the structure and the work. It takes time, but I honestly feel all parents-to-be would benefit from the training, support and guidance we’ve gotten. It’s made the entire process much more intentional and proactive, which I’ve really appreciated.
So that’s it for now! We thought we’d pop this up here for our friends, family and any other prospective parents to see! Feel free to ask us questions, if we’re comfortable answering them we most certainly will!
Also a Friends clip for those who are wondering what I was talking about!
